Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Lost In A Funk

Have you ever been in a funk? Do you know what I mean? It's a saying/an expression, not a store or a dance move - you know, a funk? Stuck in an attitude/mood. In a snit or depression - but not too severe.

Anyway, I've been in a funk many times before and I always come out of it. Thank goodness. Sometimes it has to do with what God is doing in my life and other times it has to do with external circumstances pressing in on me: basically having a lot of crap going on in my life. Usually has to do with Hubs too. As passionately in love with that man that I am - he can also raise my Swiss/German/Irish temper in less than a second! I excuse quite a bit, now that I somewhat understand his ADD and ADHD, but - the man can still drive me crazy.

When I think about being in a funk (and I am not in one at present) I think about how frustrated and often hopeless I feel about the place that I am, at that time. I am unable to pinpoint just exactly how I got there... I don't like being in a funk, I usually want out; but, I don't know how to get out. The simple things I try don't work or do the trick and I so desperately just want someone to rescue me from my own little private hell. When I am in a funk, I feel like I do not have control and that I am helpless. Often there are circumstances beyond my control and I feel like a victim, instead of a mighty prayer warrior. Not true, but - nonetheless, it still FEELS that way.

As an adult, I know full well that I do not live by my emotions. They cannot be counted on and are not trustworthy. I cannot live by what I see. What I see is not what I get or what is happening. I am trying to lose weight and have done well this year, however - I am again stuck at a plateau and I KNOW I just need to keep being faithful and consistent in my diet, exercise and eating habits. Same thing goes for prayer: there are many situations, circumstances and people that I have been praying for, for years actually, and I don't see anything happening, from where I stand or from what I can see. However, I know things are happening in the spiritual realms and behind the scenes. It's faith.

Three separate times this year, I have had people tell me that they wouldn't do what I do for Nicolas, for their own kids, if this were to happen to them. I never really considered that what they were saying was true. I guess I kind of thought they were just feeling uninformed or overwhelmed by what they didn't know or that they simply were not at a place in their knowledge about health, diet, nutrition, allergies and behavior. I thought I knew quite a bit and now -- looking back over the last 10 months, I realize that I knew very little other than common (and often inaccurate) knowledge.

I've seen kids whom I thought were "special", and then found out that they were not. I cannot explain the extreme changes and differences in their behavior. Were they in a funk when I saw them? How did they get out? With kids, it's hard to know if they are only acting for the entertainment of their peers or acting up for one of their parents. But, I have also met families who most definitely have a child with "needs" and the family doesn't see it. Or the family ignores it, threatens the poor kid or disciplines them harshly (from my perspective) and... I can see the signs. Red flags, really. Without passing judgment, I wonder and pray for those kids... that they would get out of their funk. Or... are they lost in a funk - forever?

I have seen people lose their kids to autism. I have also seen people lose their kids forever -- give up on them, to drugs; even medicate and sedate their "borderline" children too. And, I have seen people lose their kids to drugs, alcohol, gambling and other addictions. I think about what it would be like to be a child and not understand what I do, as an adult. I often wonder what Nicolas will remember about this time in his life, after he is healed, recovered and older. He tells me that he can remember a time when his mind didn't go "goo-goo", as he puts it, which refers to a time when he could concentrate clearly.

He's only a little boy right now, but - he would love to be able to eat whatever he would like to, without thinking that it could harm his body and mind or affect his sleep, feelings, digestion and bathroom habits. I guess that's where I come in, as his mom. I stand in the gap for him, by making good health care and diet decisions for him and by praying for him. I love him no matter how he acts or feels or how much I understand about his condition and illness. He is not as well as he has been nor is he as well as he is going to be.

I don't really have time to be in a funk these days. My kids need me. I need to join Nicolas in his world and most times, I try to get him to come to ours. Doesn't really happen - he can't do it; but - he has glimpses in to ours and for that I am thankful, very thankful.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1

1 comment:

  1. I think you're doing a great job with Nicolas. Wonderful post!