Peace, Man...

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ~ Colossians 3:15

I keep seeing this verse, this week. And, I have to confess, when I think about all the things that have happened or should I say have "contributed" to Nicolas' condition, I have anything but peace - especially if it's been a hard day inside my head. No peace of mind at all. I keep re-living events and situations, that I didn't pay much attention to before. I guess that it can be described as self-torture. I need to re-live and process through this stuff, in order to heal (forgive myself) too. And, I realize that I am on the road to peace. Right now, though - I feel as if I am only on the path of hope. But - I do have have hope that one day I will have peace. (Ha!)

Before...
A day of fishing with Daddy.

It makes me realize that there were many, many, many times that I questioned doctors, surgeons, dentists, etc. - as to the safety and combinations of the medications and vaccines... and that my questions - that MY OWN INSTINCTS and my "gut" should have been listened to. I consoled myself by rationalizing that I would always be a little "over-protective" of Nicolas, my little 3 lb. preemie. I guess that was my peace.

Before...
He sat and posed easily to be photographed.

It occurred to me today, that although we've seen H U G E improvements in behavior since changing to a GF-CF diet... it's going to be a process of recovery. It's not as if one day he will be who he was... I watched him deteriorate to the point where it was pretty bad. Most of November was spent crying and sobbing in my office the laundry room, because I couldn't control him... and he couldn't control himself. We're on the right road and I believe we are going the right direction. So - I need to be thankful.

I am thankful. I am thankful that we caught this now, before more damage was done. I am thankful that I used to be able to take my kids everywhere, even if I can't now. I did get to experience it for a few years...

Before...

I could take my kids with me anywhere, such as our oldest son's soccer games.

I am thankful that God has plans for us - good plans, in fact.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I am thankful that God can give me peace, when I can not produce any of my own...

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~ Phillipians 4:7

I am thankful that our Heavenly Father knows Nicolas. I used to pray and beg the Holy Spirit to bring him comfort when he was hooked up to many machines, that he needed to stay alive. He just looked so tiny and so uncomfortable... and I believe that The Comforter did comfort my baby.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ~ Psalm 139:13

When I think about it, I could be really whacked-out, ya know? I mean, I once had a "normal" child, and now our lives have been turned upside down and inside out... and then some. And yet, the Lord gave me this child.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. ~ Psalm 127:3

I don't know why all of this happened. I don't know if Nicolas was predispositioned to react to vaccinations. I do know that after his last MMR in July of last summer - he got much, much worse. The difference in his behavior, actions and ability to concentrate and do schoolwork, between first and second grade, is incredible. Huge. And sad. But - it is what it is and I have had to learn to "unschool" or do "unschooling", at times. Not all the time, but - sometimes and throughout the day and evening and pretty much everything we do - involves my interaction and explanations to Nick. And, I am ok with it. He doesn't always pick up on things and since he is going to be a man someday, I just explain almost everything that I am able to -- to him. Oh - yes, he's smart - especially considering what it must be like to have a cloudy head at times. I am very pleased with what I have finally found that works for us and no, it's not one straight curricula for each subject. I know that this is what works for Nicolas and that he is learning. I think I will talk about the books, tools, etc. that we use to teach with, tomorrow... and just how we learn.

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. ~ Ecclesiastes 11:15